Every parent wants their kids to listen, behave, and not embarrass them. That’s not too much to ask. Right? But how do you reach that goal? How do you raise your children to be good listeners, have good manners, and bring you honor?
Should a parent care first about behavior or relationships?
This question challenges me as a parent of two young girls. I remember listening to a 2-part podcast by Andy Stanley. In that podcast, he framed an amazing premise for parenting.
“When it comes to parenting, emphasize honor over obedience.”
Andy Stanley
HONOR
The definition of honor is: High respect; great esteem.
Adherence to what is right.
As I listened to these episodes I began to ask myself, “Am I teaching my kids how to honor, or am I wanting them to simply do what I want?”
As I thought more about honor and who I want my children to develop into, I began to look back at myself. I had to ask myself a tough question.
“Am I modeling the type of behavior and person I want my children to be?”
It’s tough when the mirror is pointed back at me. As a Christian, I often think of the scripture that talks about children honoring their parents. The following scripture in Ephesians puts the responsibility for children on the father.
‘Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”’ Ephesians 6:1-3
‘Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.’ Ephesians 6:4
Many behavior issues can be corrected or avoided through presence. Creating and protecting time with our children shows them that they are valuable, loved, respected, and honored.
This is not an anti-discipline approach. It’s a context approach. I hope that you consider, as I have, the Why, What, and How, behind your parenting approach.
The why behind your parenting is simply because you want the very best for and from your children.
The what behind your parenting is found in the answers to the questions asked in this blog post and podcasts.
The how behind your parenting is lived out in the choices you make in parenting based on your why and what of parenting.
“The ultimate goal is to raise children who want to be with their parents and with one another when they don’t have to.” Andy Stanley
RESPECT
The definition of respect is: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.
Respect looks at correcting through a unique lens. Every time you correct or discipline your kids asks, ”Am I disciplining simply because I don’t like a behavior?” or ”Am I working to shape my kid into a healthy adult with great character?”
Do you see a difference?
When you respect your children and their future it moves you to have a thought-through discipline plan. It’s not enough to just react to situations because you are the adult.
Andy Stanley gave 3D’s for discipline: Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty.
We often focus on how to discipline our children but neglect how to celebrate and reward them for obedience, respect, and honor. Consider how you can better engage the positives in your kids – remember you are training them how to act once they are adults.
Whatever behavior is reinforced is repeated – positive or negative.
Respect from a parent for their child is valid and extremely valuable. Consider your child’s emotions and wishes; give place to them. Then work to show how those same emotions and wishes impact others.
Respect the person your child will grow into, the adult that you are helping to create. Yes, your children grow up and become independent, mostly despite our parenting. But always consider that you are the biggest influence on the values and character of your children.
One way my wife and I work to show our girls respect is through a simple statement when we are working through their emotions and emerging desires.
“It’s ok to feel (insert emotion), but that is not how we act.”
Validating emotion and reinforcing preferred behavior is our goal.
CLOSING THOUGHT
Honor and respect are both given not earned. It’s an impossible task for a person to earn either. When we base honor and respect on merit we undercut the innate worth of a person. Every person is worthy of honor and respect-even our children.
As parents, we are the primary source of teaching our children honor and respect. By focusing on honoring and respectful relationships with our kids we will see behavior that models those priorities in our children.
Be consistent and faithful. It takes time and reps. Don’t get discouraged. You are doing your best and striving to do better. And truthfully, that is all anyone could ever ask for.
Here is the great 2 part conversation on parenting by Andy Stanley and his wife, Sandra. I would encourage you to listen to both podcasts as a parent and with your spouse or co-parent. There is an application guide for each podcast episode as well for easy reference and implementation.
Leadership and Parenting part 1 (Ep. 1) 18 min
Leadership and Parenting part 2 (Ep. 2) 26 min
If you know a parent or two that might benefit from this article give it a share.