We have all had conversations we did not want to have. Every fight with a spouse, parent, child, or phone customer support representative could fall into this category. There are a lot of times that hard and uncomfortable conversations are avoided with the hope that the issue will simply sort itself out on its own. Honestly, that rarely happens.
One of the biggest factors that contribute to a healthy relationship is effective communication. I recently surveyed a group of leaders and the number one issue they deal with in relationships is communication.
Usually, we avoid hard things by nature. We want the easy road, but the easy road doesn’t produce the results we want.
Hard conversations are by definition hard because they require something we are often hesitant to give-emotional energy and owning being wrong. To have a hard conversation means there is something that is missing, a hurt that needs mending, or a wrong that needs fixing.
Is there someone, that when you see them, you wish they knew how you felt or how their actions impacted you? That’s a hard conversation.
One of the biggest factors that contribute to a healthy relationship is effective communication.CLICK TO TWEET
Why have hard conversations?
1. They bring out the best in conversation
2. They encourage conversation
3. They encourage growth
4. They breakdown stereotypes
Hard conversations bring the best out of you. You grow when challenged. Just by having the courage to participate in hard conversations you are becoming a better person-regardless the outcome.
Hard conversations encourage conversation. Once a person knows that you care enough to have a real conversation with them communication increases. People don’t care if you have a different opinion; they care if you discredit their opinion.
Hard conversations encourage growth. You will learn a lot about yourself through hard conversations. You must prepare before the conversations. Having facts and thought out beliefs aid every conversation. Hearing what the other person has to say will either strengthen your resolve or challenge you to think differently. Both options are okay.
Hard conversations breakdown stereotypes. Stereotypes are bad when dealing with individuals and single instances. If you start a conversation with “you always” or “you never”, it won’t be a hard conversation-it will be a bad conversation. To have a successful hard conversation you will need to leave behind assumptions and stereotypes.
EXAMPLE:
I recently had a coworker tell me they were allergic to my cologne. Awkward moment to say the least. How hard do you think it was for that person to come to me and say, “Every time I come around you my throat closes up and I have a hard time breathing.” Like seriously, you take my breath away in a not romantic, but scary, I don’t even want to talk to you kind of way conversation. But I have so much respect for that person. I even stopped wearing that cologne to work.
Now I could have reacted poorly, been salty even. But what would that have accomplished? It would have at a minimum alienated a coworker.
Attributes of successful conversations
Honesty
1. Do not embellish.
- 2. Do not lie.
3. Do not play the devils advocate.
4. Do not be rude or mean.
A key to successful conversations is, to be honest. Be truthful, factual, and kind. Stick to facts. Don’t take an opposing position simply because there is one. Always remember that the other person you are talking to has the same feelings as you.
Respectful
1. Acknowledge other viewpoints.
2. Be able to disagree and still be friends.
- 3. Act how you want to be treated.
It’s okay for there to be viewpoints that are different than yours. That is healthy. If you don’t have any friends that hold different views (religious, political, social, etc) you are missing opportunities to grow. Think about this, would you like other people to acknowledge your viewpoint as valid? Give that same respect to others.
Drive on a Two-way street
1. Don’t bulldoze
2. Listen – you may just learn something
Remember that every conversation is a two-way street. It requires room for both parties to openly and freely interact. Bulldozing happens when we want to prove a point overhear and understand the other side. Work to temper your desire to prove to be right. One way I do this is by holding onto the fact that truth doesn’t argue or need to defend itself-it just is.
A simple way to make someone feel valued and appreciated is to listen to understand instead of listening to respond. It’s natural to be listening solely for the moment you get to talk. Sometimes you may even get so eager to share a point you interrupt. That little interruption is majorly devaluing. What happens is you communicate to the other person that what they have to say is less valuable than what you have to say. So, combat the urge to interrupt. Fight the desire to prove your point. Strive to understand what the other person is saying and why they hold that belief. You may lose the opportunity to rebut, but you will gain respect and understanding.